Sunday, July 29, 2007

These are the acts of a rogue individual

We believe that these are the acts of a rogue individual criminal. I would like to plainly state that we do not believe they are the acts of NBA players or our employees. Let me be clear, in this case NBA players are the victims, not the criminals. Please don't be confused.

Oh and Bud and Roger, you do know the NBA Hall of Fame was redone just a couple years back right? Take a look, it's big and beautiful baby.

Do you think he has ever been to Canton?

Best hall of fame in all of sports? Who is he kidding, seriously, it smells like an old age home....I think I am going to personally invite Bud to come join me in Canton to see what a real hall looks like.

Congratulations to Mr. Cal Ripken Jr. and Tony Gwynn

Today is a great day for baseball. I am not sitting out in San Francisco but am in Cooperstown watching and enjoying two of the classiest men in baseball history enter the best hall of fame in all of sports. So thank you Cal and Tony for giving us one day where we can ignore the performance enhancing controversy.

Um ok never mind, he's not even in baseball anymore can't he shut up?

Friday, July 27, 2007

Notice that there are no hockey players on this list

First sign that the "incident" is affecting the NFL....

I have to admit this is becoming worse then I thought. Players are reporting (or not) for training camp and yet there is an article about the BCS on deadspin right now. Where are my public relations people? It's NFL season everybody, shouldnt holdouts, dogfighting and Tom Brady's illegitimate children be the story right now?

Best Week Ever.....

I mean uh, this is not the best week ever....screw it, who am I trying to fool. Bud, Gary, David I am sorry but this might be the single best week ever for the sport of hockey. Fans come on board the hockey train we are going straight to the top! New rules I am considering for next year involve using UFC rules for all on ice fights and paying referees $2 million per season to ensure that all games are legit.

I will not allow my league to turn into the NFL, nobody speaks without permission!

Didn't I send an e-mail last night banning all active players from speaking to the media? Somebody is getting suspended for this outright defiance!

Baseball is better then....

The Tour De France....That's right fans whenever you think that baseball is the worst sport when it comes to cheating just take a look at the Tour De France. At least we only have one leader accused of cheating, in the Tour it's all of them It's gotten so bad some people are suggesting we shoulod just let them cheat.

Well I'm off to go catch some Zzzzz's before Big B's next game.

What an idiot!

Seriously, do I really need this right now? Could this guy be any stupider? Where are my lawyers, can I suspend commentators and former players? Can't I apply my new policies to everyone? Aren't I the most powerful man in the most powerful sport?

All hail Commissioner Goodell

I have been advised not to comment....

My legal team has advised me that I can not comment further on any future plans I may have to punish Michael Vick. So all I will say is that those deadspin guys are pretty smart.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sports Illustrated Article

With Barry Bonds chasing Hank, and the Hall of Fame Cermeony this weekend I will have to save my intro to this blog for next week. But for now I just want you to know that I have read the SI story. What can I do about it? Mere speculation? I don't know. All I know is that my team of attorneys tells me I can't act until I have some hard evidence.

So someone bring me some hard evidence in the next 36 hours...please.....please....please

The "Mark Cuban" Issue

It has been pointed out to me by several people that Mark Cuban has been on my backside about the quality of referees for some time now.

All I can say is this......

I'm sorry.....He was right, I was wrong. Ok now let's move past it.

The End!

Welcome NFL Fans

I would like to start by saying that my predecessor Paul Tagliabue did a wonderful job as commissioner. Revenues were higher then they have ever been before. Yet sadly he left me with a disaster on the professional conduct front. I am here to continually remind the fans that I have been, and will continue to, discipline players who can not act like normal adults.

I plan to use this forum as a way to communicate directly with you the fans and tell you my plans for how to continually improve the NFL.

I would like to start by announcing that the NFL will be spending $11.7 million over the next five years to work with the University of Cincinnati on an adult behavioral modification study. We believe that behavioral modification is the only way to ensure that our players act like normal adults and the NFL remains the dominant sport in this country.

Thank you.

Condolences To My Friends

During this trying time I wish to send condolences to my friends Bud, Roger and David. It has been a trying week for all three of their respective sports. These are good people and please try not to let the actions of rogue individuals effect your views on them or their sports.

But if for some reason the thought of animal cruelty disgusts you to the point that you can no longer watch football, don't give up on sports, give hockey a try. And if the thought if illegimate records irks you to know end, don't give up on sports, give hockey a try. And finally if the thought of gambling on a game that might be fixed bothers you to no end, don't give up on sports gambling, give hockey a try.

No matter where these cases may go and whatever future issues may arise I leave you with these parting words....don't give up on sports, give hockey a try

The Future

I am sorry to say that this is what I consider the worst month in the history of professional sports. In the span of a month Barry Bonds will steal a record, Michael Vick will go to trial for torturing innocent animals, and an NBA referee has stolen the credibility of the NBA. It is with these incidents dominating the headlines that we look to the future. I personally have arranged for the comissioners from the four major sports (yes hockey still exists) to create this blog. This will be our way to communicate directly with you the fan and we hope to be talking to with you daily.

Good Luck and Keep On Rooting